THE CRAP-O-RAMA CORPORATION
"Profits Before People" Serving You Since 1955.
PRESS RELEASE - AUGUST 26 - 2020 A.D. - AMIDST A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, COMPANY RISES FROM THE ASHES OF NEAR FINANCIAL COLLAPSE - BUFFALO, NY
On behalf of Chief Executive Officer, Wigbert Thaddington Esq. III, company spokesman and public relations officer, Archibald Shamus Diddlecorn has issued a formal public apology regarding the company's recent loss of a 12 billion dollar class action suit against the citizens of New York state. With mounting legal pressure and the threat of a looming bankruptcy, as well as pressure from investors, The Crap-O-Rama Corporation, a commercial manufacturer and distributor of gags, gaffs, gimmicks and novelties (and various other bullshit waste-of-time consumer products), has risen up from the depths of impending financial ruin and has begun a company restructuring. The board of directors are now attempting to show good faith and have agreed to take any required steps necessary to keep investors earning exponential incomes for doing absolutely nothing.
The company states that it will take and immediate plan of action, starting with the elimination the door-to-door sales division, and a full re-evaluation of all of its employee benefits packages. "This comes at a great loss. Our door-to-door division has been the backbone of this company since operations began in 1955. But we've faced some unique challenges, attempting to replace an aging sales force with Millennials. 2020 marks a new era for the Crap-O-Rama Corporation, as we plan on attempting to evolve and modernize the company. We're giving in, and embracing technology" says Mortimer J. Finkelstein, Director of Sales.
Crap-O-Rama built their business the American way... With good 'ole fashioned work ethic, countless years of 'boots on the ground' sales, cutting employee benefits slowly over time, and working salaried employees in excess of 70 hours per week. The decision to give up the sales force was not an easy one, with some tough lessons being learned. "Youth of today aren't very interested in putting in an honest day's work. Millennials are far too busy snorting Tide Pods and ghost-riding-the-whip to bother with novel concepts like working for a living" says Finkelstein.
Due to the new re-organization, the following CRAP-O-RAMA divisions will be closing permanently, we apologize for any inconvenience this causes our customers.
Bulk Plastics Acquisition
Wet Work (East Coast Operations Only)
Traveling Party Clown Entertainment
Singing Telegram Services
To all our loyal customers over the years, we'd like to extend our deepest gratitude. We hope you will stick with us during this new era of transition. It is because of you all that we are making a valiant effort to remain a viable corporation for years to come.
Thank you for your loyal patronage.
Archibald Shamus Diddlecorn speaking on behalf of
Wigbert Thaddington, III, Esq.
Mortimer J. Finkelstein
DIRECTOR OF SALES
EMPLOYEE OF THE
WORST EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
(BULK PLASTICS DEPT.)
TITLE: GIRL FRIDAY
SALARY: 35-45K, COMMENSURATE ON EXPERIENCE
LOCATION: CRAP-O-RAMA HEADQUARTERS OFFICE
The Crap-O-Rama Corporation is looking for new female "talent" to sit on our staff so we can fill the Gal Friday position in our headquarters office. Primary job duties will include improving office morale, and relieving work "tension." Secondary job duties will include making coffee, looking pretty, and dry cleaning runs.
Ideal candidates for this position are female and between the ages of 18-25. Thick and curvy builds are preferred, but not required. Blondes will are also preferred, but not required. No experience, high school, G.E.D. or equivalency required. Company maintains a STRICT DRESS CODE POLICY: Proper work attire must include skirts at least 4 inches above the knee and high heels. Pants are not permitted attire for female staff. You must submit to a drug test prior to hiring, if you don't fail your drug test, you WILL NOT be hired. Prudes and squares need not apply.
To apply for this position, you must mail a photo spread that illustrates how eager you are to be put in this position. We're eagerly hoping to fill this opening as soon as possible.