PRESS RELEASE - AUGUST 26 - 2020 A.D. - BUFFALO, NY
Updated: Aug 28, 2020
On behalf of Chief Executive Officer, Wigbert Thaddington Esq. III, company spokesman and public relations officer, Archibald Shamus Diddlecorn has issued a formal public apology regarding the company's recent loss of a 12 billion dollar class action suit against the citizens of New York state. With mounting legal pressure and the threat of a looming bankruptcy, as well as pressure from investors, The Crap-O-Rama Corporation, a commercial manufacturer and distributor of gags, gaffs, gimmicks and novelties (and various other bullshit waste-of-time consumer products), has risen up from the depths of looming financial ruin and began a massive re-organization phase. The board of directors are now attempting to show good faith and have agreed to take any required steps necessary to keep investors earning exponential incomes for doing absolutely nothing.
The company states that it will take and immediate plan of action, starting with the elimination the door-to-door sales division, and a full re-evaluation of all of its employee benefits packages. "This comes at a great loss. Our door-to-door division has been the backbone of this company since operations began in 1955. But we've faced some unique challenges, attempting to replace an aging sales force with Millennials. 2020 marks a new era for the Crap-O-Rama Corporation, as we plan on attempting to evolve and modernize the company. We're giving in, and embracing technology" says Mortimer J. Finkelstein, Director of Sales.
Crap-O-Rama built their business the American way... With good 'ole fashioned work ethic, countless years of 'boots on the ground' sales, cutting employee benefits slowly over time, and working salaried employees in excess of 70 hours per week. The decision to give up the sales force was not an easy one, with some tough lessons being learned. "Youth of today aren't very interested in putting in an honest day's work. Millennials are far too busy snorting Tide Pods and ghost-riding-the-whip to bother with novel concepts like working for a living" says Finkelstein.
Due to the new re-organization, the following CRAP-O-RAMA divisions will be closing permanently, we apologize for any inconvenience this causes our customers.
Bulk Plastics Acquisition
Wet Work (East Coast Operations Only)
Traveling Party Clown Entertainment
Singing Telegram Services
To all our loyal customers over the years, we'd like to extend our deepest gratitude. We hope you will stick with us during this new era of transition. It is because of you all that we are making a valiant effort to remain a viable corporation for years to come.
Thank you for your loyal patronage.
Archibald Shamus Diddlecorn speaking on behalf of
Wigbert Thaddington, III, Esq.